38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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