Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
