Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
