kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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