Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
