You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
