I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
