im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I believe in your delicious
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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