I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
