I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
