there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
