somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
