The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
