Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
