my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
