I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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