oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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