Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
