Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
