i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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