this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
