Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
