I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
