You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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