Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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