i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
should my penis look like a turkey
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
