is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
