he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
