yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
