every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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