John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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