Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
