i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
