I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
