Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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