so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
