i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
