i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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