My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
