my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
then he tried to convert me to islam
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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