I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize