I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
