I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
false alarm, still single
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
