i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
