i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
