I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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