im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
