the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
