highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
