and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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