grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
