just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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