Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
