I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
