Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
