So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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