How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
