It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my being single is dangerous.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
