I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
