i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
