dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
